Unchumpify

Phew, well I certainly have been gone for a while. I’ve still been blogging, just not here. So much has happened since my last post that I don’t even know where to begin…so I won’t go into any detail.

In the past several months I almost ran off with another man (but did not cheat on my wonderful boyfriend). This was the first time I ever felt tempted to actually leave him for someone else. Seriously tempted. In the end I felt so guilty about the whole thing that I told Aries everything. We worked through it and I am forever grateful for his forgiveness and not holding it over my head.

Despite the giant mess and almost leaving my boyfriend and the country I don’t regret the experience. I think it was a very important life lesson. The other guy was (and I’m sure still is) a wonderful person, one of the best people I’ve ever met, and I learned a lot from the entire situation. I like to think that we make very few mistakes in life – most uncomfortable or even disastrous-seeming situations teach us more than we can even imagine. I also learned that age really is just a number when it comes to attraction. I’ve been saying this for a while, but only when I experienced it first hand did I really gain the first hand experience that confirmed this belief.

Anyways, Aries and I worked through it. Since the incident we moved out together and are now renting a house. It’s been going well. We’ve had our bumps in the road that come with living together, but for the most part it’s been good.

But for some reason ever since “the incident” I mentioned above, I feel like I’m being more unsure about the relationship. I don’t regret staying and firmly believe that it was the right thing to do. But since I met someone who, for the first time, I was as attracted to as I am to Aries, it seems like some sort of line’s been crossed even though nothing physically happened between us. I went through a phase of considering breaking up, then suggesting an open relationship (this did not go over well), and just feeling a little constrained in general. I’m not even sure why an open relationship would matter to me so much or why I would want one. I’ve never felt the urge to sleep with some random guy or have a one night stand (by ‘never’ I mean not even while this is all happening). I think my views on relationships have been going through a big shift for the second time in my life and what I want isn’t to go out and have sex with a bunch of random guys, but knowing that I have the freedom to do so if I choose…even if I never end up choosing to do it.

Anyway, yes, this “big shift” in my perception of how relationships should work (or more like how we should stop trying to dictate how they work and imposing limit on ourselves) is the second time that my thoughts on relationships changed in such a big way. And both times it seems the flood gates have opened a little more. I originally had very solid, set rules for myself and for how I want my relationship to be. It seems like the rules are disappearing and I’m becoming more open to different possibilities and realising that relationships are fluid, not set in stone, and not something that can be constrained or limited or kept within a neat guidebook.

I’m not sure if this is some sort of phase that I’m just going through, something that will pass. It’s gotten better over the past couple of months – I’m happy with Aries again and I feel the draw of other options less. But it’s like the idea, the seed of my shift in outlook, is still there, nagging.

People sometimes ask me about what I want out of my relationship.

Do I want to get married to this person? Sometimes I think about it. It isn’t my ‘goal’ and it isn’t something I find myself dreaming about a lot. In fact, up until recently, even after over a year of dating at the time (2 and a half years now) I didn’t like the idea of looking to the future. I always thought that this would be impossible for me – not thinking about what would happen or should happen or if we’ll be together forever, but with Aries it wasn’t difficult. From the beginning he set the frame of uncertainty and zero expectations about our future, which as I found out was just fine by me. It wasn’t only his frame that allowed me to relax any expectations of the relationship. I started studying the seduction community and male/female interaction and why we do the things we do and feel the way we feel when I met Aries. My journey down the path of discovering myself lay parallel to our relationship. He wasn’t someone I pictured myself staying with for long, but here we are. And now that he is starting to mention the future, to talk about what could happen when he finishes uni or about buying property together, I am finding myself thinking about it as well. And it’s comfortable. It’s as though everything just fell into place.

Do I want to buy a house with this person? I would like to. Heck, I would love to. But, do I wonder who else is out there? The other men that I may not get the chance to meet? Yes, sometimes. I’ve only ever had two boyfriends. The first, Taurus, I dated for 9 months. He was the complete opposite of Aries in many ways. Less confrontational, less honest, and more. Now my second relationship is still going. I think everyone thinks about different situations sometimes, just like I do. When I imagine going out and meeting other men and when I get asked out by other men, I feel no temptation to stray from my current relationship. I feel no temptation to cheat or lie or hide things from Aries. So sure, I guess I think about the experiences I might have if I’m not with him, but I am not tempted by these thoughts. I am analyzing different paths, like I’ve been doing over these 2 1/2 years of discovering myself while studying the community and people in general.

Would I survive if Aries and I broke up? I know I would, there’s no doubt in my mind. I am more strong and more confident than I was before I met him, largely due to what I’ve learned on my own as well as the person he’s helped me to become. I know what I want and I know that I can get it. I would be upset, but I would not regret our relationship and I know I’d move forward.

Whereas over three years ago now, when I was with my boyfriend at the time I was very insecure (as I realize now) and could not help but think of the things that could go wrong, of when it would end, of how it seemed too perfect, now I don’t think about the end. And I don’t dwell on possible futures. I think about where we might end up sometimes, maybe buying a house, maybe getting married (but no kids, never, ever kids), sure, but not obsessively and not every day. I’ve thought about it more lately because his frame of mind seems to be shifting - he is mentioning things that could happen, will happen, things that he would never have considered or spoken about before.  I think some of this is due to trust that I won’t take it and run with it or take discussion of possibilities as some sort of expectation or promise. He’s learned that I’m happy going with it, thinking about what could happen, but never expecting it to happen or wanting it to take a certain path that I’ve somehow dreamed up. We were never meant to last this long, according to everyone I know – both my friends and his. They expected it to be a fling, a couple of month at the most. Heck, his longest relationship before me was two weeks. But I don’t think about the future with expectations or any sort of dread or worry. When I think about what could happen, it’s more like I’m analyzing possibilities, just like I mentioned before. Over these two and a half years I have found it very easy and natural to not focus on the future, but stay in the moment and to enjoy the moment.

So when people ask me what I want or where I expect to end up in my relationship, I can’t answer them. I like Aries a lot. He is one of the most important, influential people in my life right now and I certainly want to stay with him for as long as we are both happy (which is hopefully a very long time). But do I have any concrete expectations of the relationship? Or any exact dreams or paths I want the relationship to take? Not really - I want to take it as it comes.

Just because a woman is in a relationship does not mean she does not want to feel attractive to other men. In our minds, the more attractive other men find us the more attractive and desirable we will be to our boyfriends. I will be the first to admit that I am a gigantic flirt and I don’t even do it on purpose. My boyfriend tends to be the same way – we flirt with the opposite sex without thinking about it. I like to feel attractive. And yet, as soon as I meet a guy who might be interested I find some way to casually mention my boyfriend because if I mention that I’m with someone, the other man is less likely to actually ask me out. Do I feel uncomfortable when another guy asks me out? No, I actually appreciate the effort and thought and all I have to do is say no because I’m with someone. But I always steer away from letting a conversation go that far even though it’s actually not that bad. I don’t want to get asked out by someone else even though I tend to flirt.

And continuing on the talk of flirting – if I pay attention, I notice myself purposefully stifling any IOIs I might send out. So it’s as though I’m trying not to flirt even as I’m flirting. I don’t flick my hair or brush it out of my eyes. I don’t cross my legs. I don’t hint at being interested at the guy in any way that I can think of and notice. All I do do is smile and have a comfortable conversation.

I think that perhaps what seems like flirting to me isn’t flirting at all. Perhaps it only seems like flirting and elicits the type of response that flirting would from the guy is that I can usually relate to a lot of male interests. I can carry on an in-depth conversation about anything from video games to PCs to gadgets to graphic and web design to PHP and other web coding languages. And I usually do so with great enthusiasm because these are topics that I am passionate about.

So is it really flirting or is it passion about the topic of conversation that elicits the type of reponse that it does in men? Is it our common interests that make them get that spark in their eyes and eventually – if I’m not careful – gets me an offer for coffee or lunch? Perhaps, if this is true, the three main factors that get a guy interested in me are:

1) Smile and friendly, relaxed demeanor
2) Appearance
3) Passion and knowledge of similar interests

I’d love to have some input from both men and women on this. And if this is really what attracts men, can the above three points play as large a factor for men when trying to attract women?

Aww, the two stars of True Blood (which I love) are engaged!!! So cute. I still adore Eric though, now he’s a hottie.

Phew, I haven’t posted in ages and guess what inspires my my first post in weeks – Robert Pattinson. I keep running into articles online claiming to have “The hottest photos of Robert Pattinson”. There ARE NO HOT PHOTOS of Robert Pattinson! His face looks like he just collided with a brick wall. His body..meh..it’s ok, but not a match for Ryan Reynolds. Now THERE’S a hot guy – Ryan Reynolds. They should have articles about HIS hottest photos, I’d love to see those. The photo can be a closeup of his bicep or that sexy, sexy smile (or his UNBROKEN looking nose) and it would already be ten times hotter than Robert Pattinson’s whole package.

I hate it when I feel “required” to orgasm during sex. A few nights ago Aries and I had a nice bath and then he was like “That’s it, I’m making you come this time.” (normally I can only do it when I use my fingers, so I have to masturbate during sex – I might actually want to see a sex psychologist about this). Anyway, he was doing so well and it felt so good, and I was using my fingers and everything, but the entire time I couldn’t help but think “I have to do this, he’s trying to hard. Come on, concentrate. Or wait..no..relax..don’t think about it…but now you’re thinking about it again!”. In the end I just had to kindly stop him and tell him I couldn’t. I felt so guilty and even though I explained what was running through my head, I don’t think he understood. And even though he claimed to not care, I could see the he was hurt.

I wonder what my problem is – with orgasms and all. Am I not feeling emotionally secure? Am I just in a bad habit? Did I get so used to not orgasming without my own help that now truly believing that I can’t is actually making me unable to? I would really love to fix this somehow.

I am shooooo excited. I got my iPhone 3GS this morning and so far am very happy with it! It is so much faster than the 3G. I love shiny new toys :).